my phone needs a breathalizer
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
