When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
