I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
