whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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