My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
