and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
