wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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