They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
