He uses pillows to masturbate.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
