Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
