mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
