I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
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I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
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Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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