tell your sister to shave her snatch
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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