remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
