Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
