my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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