His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
