dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
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I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
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He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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