Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
