i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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