Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
