Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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