Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
