dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
