Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
