walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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