I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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