In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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