I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
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