I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
