i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
