I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
