So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
