I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
