You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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