He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
