Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
