I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
