i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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