He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
