New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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