Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
