I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
