I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
