Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
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