I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
