you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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