bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
