Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
