so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
