Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
