According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
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Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
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i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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