I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
