I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
