The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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