....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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