is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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