I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
