I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
