Define "chronic" masturbator.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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